I’m Sorry, but I Think Your Football Obsession is a Mental Illness

 

I don't hate football as a sport—I think it’s just another sport. But I hate it for the way people react to it.

Seriously, why do people fight over a rolling ball while footballers earn tons of money? Isn't it stupid to fight over people who don’t even know you exist? While you're busy insulting each other, they’re signing million-dollar contracts and laughing all the way to the bank.

The Social Media... Oh, My God!

Social media has become unbearable. It’s full of people talking about the "great history of football," constantly posting pictures of players from thirty or forty years ago. And they fight! They actually fight over who knows more.

"I remember the 1926 FA Cup final!" "Messi’s goal was when people realized he’s better than Pelé, Batman, and even Spider-Man!" Does anyone actually care?

And here’s what really pisses me off: John or Frank (names changed to protect the boring) can post a photo of a footballer—who is basically just a man in his underwear—on Facebook and get thousands of likes. But if I post a photo of myself in lingerie (where I’m definitely prettier than Messi or Ronaldo), I get banned or insulted by people who are literally illiterate.

The Soccer Nerd

I’m starting to think these people have some kind of intellectual disability. You can't spend your days staring at men in their underwear and pouring your thoughts onto social media with long, boring analyses about who scored in the 1966 World Cup. Is looking at a soccer goal enough to fuel your fantasies? How boring. Find a good doctor!

A Better Use for a Soccer Goal

Or, if you see a soccer goal, do what these two do.

His name is Potro de Bilbao (with a name like that, he could have been a star player). She’s Alice Fernandez, a brilliant Venezuelan performer. Together, they show us exactly what should be happening in front of a goal.

Alice (credited here as Alice Fantasy X) is the striker trying to score, and Potro is the defender staying very tight. Who do you think is going to win?

A Final Note to the Fans

Hey, I know there are a lot of soccer fans among you, and I’m just kidding... mostly. I have nothing against a healthy passion for sport. It’s just that those Facebook nerds are far from sane, don’t you think?

In my opinion, Alice and Potro have the markings of true champions. Don't believe me? See for yourself and tell me if you'd rather watch Messi’s highlights or this.